10 Things About Me That Are Completely True

There’s this 10 things you might not know about me type thing floating around on the internets, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Without further ado:

  1. I once saved Abraham Lincoln’s life. Details are confidential but suffice to say it involved a small clown and a badger.
  2. I was born in March. That automatically makes me a leprechaun.
  3. This one time I punched a blimp right in the face.
  4. I invented lampshading.
  5. I always have to use the same bathroom stall. I just take it with me wherever I go.
  6. I used to be a pirate, but I gave it up to pursue a career in salmon painting.
  7. I once won a Norse rap battle.
  8. The entirety of human knowledge has been stored in my head but I can’t remember where.
  9. I’m actually an NPC.
  10. I’m a pessimist which means I get to look forward to being negative every day.
  11. I can’t count.

If you already knew all of this, disregard the above and have a nice day.


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